As Americans, it can be easy to think that we live in the most polarized time ever. But as political science researchers have pointed out, this isn’t true, and in fact, Americans just really don’t like talking about politics.
Many people find it challenging to have conversations and relationships with people they disagree with. But throwing out relationships with friends and family just because they disagree with you — whether that’s based on politics, religion, or football team — is damaging to our wellbeing, and the wellbeing of others.
That’s why a great skill to learn is how to maintain these relationships, even when you disagree with people. It can be hard work, especially if you find people at gatherings frequently diving headfirst into their opinions. But here are a few tips that can help you get started.
If you’re about to visit a family member who you know loves to talk about something that can make you cringe the second you walk in the door, it’s important to prepare yourself. The American Psychological Association recommends visualizing how you might feel in these situations so you can help self-monitor as you feel your stress rising. Take deep breaths rather than responding quickly with a retort that could escalate the conversation. It’s also ok to excuse yourself for a moment to get water or use the restroom before returning to a conversation.
One way to engage in these types of conversations is to ask questions to understand where the other person is coming from. Psychologist Adam Grant recommends thinking of these conversations as an interview, where you ask why a person believes something. Show you’re listening by repeating back your interpretation of what someone else has said. This can help them hear what they’re saying and also give them room to clarify their opinions. This could eventually lead someone to adjust their beliefs.
Shaming someone for believing something will likely not change their mind. In fact, it can do the opposite: firmly root them in their own beliefs.
Avoiding shame can be a hard thing to do these days with social media, where people only have a few characters to “school” someone at the reward of likes and retweets. That’s why in-person conversations with nuance and dialogue can be so much more impactful (and kind!) than shutting people down or demeaning them in the process of proving a point.
Presumably one of the reasons you want to maintain a relationship with someone you disagree with is because you have a bond, whether that’s because they’re a close family member you grew up with or it’s a longtime friend who has been there with you in challenging times. When you’re together, take time to reminisce or talk about your shared interests. Have conversations about things you both care about. These bonds will help your relationship thrive during times when you disagree.
And as much as Americans may dislike talking about contentious issues, remember, it’s ok to not be on the same page. That’s what makes us unique, and hopefully, we can learn something by being friends with those who have different perspectives!
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