Grieving loved ones can be one of the most challenging things a person goes through, as this is a time laden with memory, mourning, and reflection. For people who have not lost a close family member or friend, it can be challenging to know how to best support those who are experiencing grief.
The first thing to know is that everyone’s experience of grief is unique to them, and may change as they go through moments of anger, sadness, denial, acceptance, and more. This may require you to show up in different ways depending on what the people in your life need. The most important thing you can do is to communicate that you are available to support them, regardless of what they are going through. Here are some ways to be there for your loved ones who are experiencing loss.
Once you’ve heard that a loved one has lost someone important to them, reach out to let them know you care. This can be scary to do, because you don’t know how they are feeling and you may feel like you don’t not want to intrude. But whether it’s a card, a text, an email, or a phone call, it can go a long way in helping people know they are loved and not alone on their journey. Also know that someone in pain may not have the energy or time to respond to everyone, so be prepared to not receive a reply. Consider saying something like “No need to respond to this message, but I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for your loss and I’m here for you if you need anything, whether that’s a meal or someone to talk to.”
When people are in pain, it may be tempting to want to minimize their suffering. You may want to say things like “You should be grateful for the memories” or “At least they’re in a better place.” But these kinds of comments can come across as dismissive of the pain people are experiencing. If you are trying to problem-solve someone’s pain, that person may feel like you don’t want to be burdened with their grief, and be less inclined to talk about how they're actually doing. Even though it’s hard, you can be with people in their pain without dismissing how they’re feeling.
Sometimes, people in pain may be unable to communicate exactly what they need. That’s why it can be helpful to offer ways they may want care without forcing it upon them. For example, you may ask “Are you in need of a home cooked meal this week? I’d love to bring something to you, if so.” Or you could say “Would you be up for a walk in the park near our house? I‘d love to see you if you’re feeling up for it.” These types of opportunities allow the person who is grieving choices for care as well as space to decline if it’s not suitable for them right now.
People may experience an outpouring of support in the weeks after losing a loved one. Yet the grieving process is much longer, and there is no linear, tidy journey to healing. That’s why checking in over the long term is an important way to show you care. Set reminders for yourself to check in every month, or near the anniversaries of a death, as these can be especially hard times for people who are grieving. Be willing to show your presence and your love without expecting a response in return.
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